“Where am I?”

“I’m frightened”

In the home where my Mother-in-Law now lives, these are just some of the cries uttered by its residents.

Most of them are people who have been diagnosed with either Vascular Dementia or with Alzheimer’s disease. The home is warm, inviting and offers the tender care you would wish for yourself. The residents have a daily routine of social and medical care and this is peppered with simple physical activities such as throwing the ball from a chair, to craft-work to visiting local musicians. As I have gotten to know the home, I began to realise that the people now so desperate for this daily assistance were once active professional people, holding down responsible positions, for example in the Merchant Navy, Senior Command in the Military, Academics, to one who worked for a major Broadcasting Company. What is shocking to see, is the physical and mental grip these debilitating diseases have taken on people; they had once held their own in whatever social or professional setting they lived in. Instead, they are now consumed by their own confusion and in some cases the inability to communicate or living with the uncontrollable cesspools of their failing bodies.

My Mother-in-Law was and still remains a real sweetie. In her case, the difficulties she experiences daily, relate to her lack of general awareness, her not now being able to read or express herself in words and the frustration that follows from being a highly educated woman. She will experience mood swings, but she still has the capability to express love. Occasionally she will remember my name; at other times she will proclaim, “It’s that man” or “Where is that man?” In 2 years she has gone from a woman who could make a cup of tea and prepare a small snack – I could debate with her about what she read in the newspaper and her disgust at what politicians were doing to the young people of the country to having regular jokes with her. I miss those sometimes feisty sessions but I have come to realise that her ‘new recognition’ or ‘emotional reaction’ is sometimes triggered by a smile, a joke or a gentle touch on her hand.

I was struck therefore by the recent report, that suggested that visiting dementia patients, can still be beneficial even after they have failed to recognise you; I agree and I also agree that sufferers can still hold an ‘emotional memory’ – this I think is reflected by happy memories triggered by that smile, joke or touch.

The key concern of the Alzheimer’s Society is that with our busy lives’, those starting out with good intentions will unintentionally create a state of isolation for the sufferer, when they do not make those regular visits.

In one sense I understand the Charity’s concern, but in another, I also understand why some dementia sufferers will often be seen to spend long days and indeed weeks in the home without any social interaction with an ‘outside’ friend or family member.

We have to understand this is a brutal disease and it brings out a range of emotions very difficult to predict in those that are left behind. For some, the physical evidence, coupled with a family history may be too much to bear as they consider their own frailty. For others it will simply be a case that they find it difficult to engage in a totally different manner with their loved ones. For many I suspect they just don’t know how to cope. In the many visits with my Mother-in-Law I have witnessed visitors who will be in the home with their loved ones from the moment they wake up until they go to bed at night, to those whose limit is 10 minutes; is there any heroism here – where does it begin or end?

Whilst everything should be done to rid the world of this unforgiving illness (and its causes – a conversation for another time perhaps!), we should not forget the other side of the coin and find ways to support those who must also live with its terrible affects and not rush to judge them for any failings perceived!

© Frank Brehany 2016 - All Rights Reserved (First Published on 7/1/16)